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I have just written a 9 page essay.
Never tell me that Art School is easy.
Sure, all I had to do was make a fucking kite and make sure it could fly for one class, but..
I had like, a million other things to do for everything else.
Kites are cool and all,
but thats not all I do.
AND I'M MOVING OUT OF THIS HELL HOLE ON FRIDAY!
YAY FRIDAY!
THATS TOMORROW!
And, I think,
My car will be all ready to drive again by sometime this coming week.
Just make it through this day, Dani.
And tomorrow morning to turn in that paper, when it isnt even due until monday.
But I dont want to stick around portland just to pass in a paper.
So he gets it tomorrow.
And then I leave.
YES.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Alright. Wanna know how I'm feeling?
I'm feeling like my head is caving in at 9:30 in the  morning and if someone says something to me today I might explode. I hate everyone around me. I want to go back to bed. Digital Imaging class is teaching me the same things again. I missed this class twice last week and the teacher actually noticed. He just asked why. A little bit of everything.
My fucking foot. I cant believe I made it here this morning without falling over. I wish I had gotten Justin's help. I wish I didn't have this class so I could sleep a little longer.
I'm just angry. Vengeful. I'd like to tear someones face off. With a spoon.
I'd like someone to give a flying fuck but thats not really fair of me to ask, since I dont give a fuck about them.
Most of them.
At least the ones I see on a regular basis.

I JUST DONT LIKE YOU. It makes me ill having to be nice to you all the damned time. You make me want to pull my hair out. You make me want to jump off bridges. You make me feel like I have to walk on tiptoes in fear of PISSING YOU OFF.

The fat woman in the office is suppose to take care of VA stuff. She was suppose to be handling my case. The VA should have started helping me pay for school in OCTOBER, when I was approved. It is now March, I have recieved the same approval letter four times, and I have now been informed that they have no record of me even being in a school to help pay for.
FUUUCK YOOOOOU fat woman in the office! I HATE YOU.

I am so utterly sick of this fucking school thing. Its so hard to bring myself to go to class. To do the work. Its hard to do everything.

Today is just a fucking terrible day.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Gitsy
September 2006 - Febuary 2007
R.I.P
 
 
 
 
 
 
I'm sitting in my Digital Imaging class, AKA: Photoshop 101, AKA: Everything you've taught yourself in the last four/five years repeated in three hours intervals.

Its okay, really. I've learned all over again the easy way to do things that took me three years of doing it the hard way to figure out.

I'm doing portraits. Comic-like Coca Cola Ad style portraits. Lisa, if youre reading this, I need your face. But your face is in Orono. So, like, can I use your myspace pictures? :D

I'm gonna snap photos of people at the Hookah Bar tonight. Half of them will be like, "Oh, its just Dani doing something artsy-fartsy," and the other half will be like "WTF IS THERE A CAMERA IN MEH FACE??! O_<"

The teacher is saying, "blahblah illustrator, find edges under stylize, use these to make crude outlines of shape, blahblah, quickly."
I dont even know anymore.
Why do I get up at 8 oclock for this class?
I think vector art blows. All youre doing is tracing and flood filling. Good job, dumbass.

Okay he's on to me.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Dear Portland Maine,

You suck butt.

Love,
Dani
 
 
 
 
 
 
I have never been more thankful to say goodbye to a year.

Dont look back.

Happy New Year.
 
 
 
 
 
 
I found the wires to my Sega Dreamcast. I spent four hours playing Sonic Adventure 2 last night. And today, I found Warcraft 2, and with my frustration at my computer's inability to install the old warcraft 3, I played that. For um... almost 7 hours.
Fuck off. I can play lame ass video games all I damn well please.

I also cleaned my room last night. I cleaned out my closet. I can see the floor. Its a damn miracle. I shoved about 90 really shitty paperback books into the basement. Threw out so many old drawings. Old notes from high school. Somehow, I still cant bring myself to throw away that box full of notes from junior high that Amber wrote me. Can't read them, either. Cant throw away old holiday cards from my parents. I'm really weird sometimes. What makes me save one thing over another?

I've pretty much abandoned my cell phone. I cant bring myself to answer calls that I'm actualy there to receive, and the peice of shit doesnt give me my voice mail anyway. Technology, why have you forsaken me??!! I thought we were friends, you ass load of wires and metal bits.

Andrew from Rite Aid sent me an email of pictures of his new kitten. I havent talked to him in... months. I havent had an actual conversation with him in over a year. But the kid got a kitten, and remembered how much I love kittens. I wish I could remember little things about people I dont talk to anymore. Sometimes I miss him.
Then I remember the starwars talks and the fact that he had no social skills and I laugh a little.

God damn am I a bitch.

There it is again. Why do I miss some people over others?

I just feel bitter.



Ya know what. It would've been nice if someone had said, <i> Hey, Dani, are you handling things okay? </i>... It's just hard as hell pretending that nothing happened. Acting like i'm a-fucking-okay.  If I'm pretending I'm okay, it would be nice if someone could at least pretend they care.

Whatever.
I'm on vacation which means I made it through another semester. I deserve a fucking pat on the back, at least.
Hell, I deserve a cake.
With candles.
And a cherry on top.
Wait.




Sometimes I miss her more then you would ever understand.
 
 
 
 
 
 
I've come to the point where I'm not really sleeping anymore. I'm laying there, and its like I'm dozing, like a nap; my body is still and my mind is fading in and out. You know, that feeling you get when youre about to fall asleep - like those dreams where your'e falling but then you hit the ground. I have those kinds of dreams; half asleep, foggy, messed up dreams. I have them less when Justin stays with me, but alone I just suffer hours worth of on the edge dreams, not actualy getting any rest.

The other night I dreamed I was down on the dirt side of Ridlon Road, hanging out with a bunch of people I cant identify right now. I think we were drinking. It was already weird. I left in a truck with people who seemed familiar but are nameless now. My father was driving. He was skinny and mishapen like he was in the hospital bed, but he was sitting up and driving. And a bunch of cops passed us before we stopped at a house I recognize as Kirsten Elderage's house, and when we got out and looked at the road behind us, there had been all these shootings... 9 or 10 dead people, and then I hid inside a house. For a long time, I just walked around the second floor of a house on the side of the road, looking out these huge windows at the dead people... and then someone came, and shot me. And I felt it. In that surreal, imaginative way. And it was wonderful. And I sunk into this gun shot wound like the feeling of three Lorazapam dissolving into your system.
Thats when I woke up, like the part of the dream just before you hit the ground.
It scares me that I remember it so vividly.

The semester is almost over and I couldnt be more thankful. I need a break. I need to get away from school and deadlines and horrible people and just try to sleep and heal and stop reliving the same thing over and over again. I feel so hopeless.
This is just pathedic.

You're pathedic Dani.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Okay kids. This is serious.
I need someone who wants a cat.
This cat is absolutly loving and sweet to people. As I type, she is laying on my lap belly up purring her head off.
Shes big. And double pawed. Gray longhair.
The catch is she hates other cats. HATES. Maybe its just my kitten... but she tries to kill her.
She gets along great with dogs.  And maybe she gets along with other older cats her size, I dont know. Or maybe she just hates my kitten because shes territorial. She got along perfectly fine with her sister before her sister ran away.
I just know that I cant keep her. And Im having such a hard time getting rid of her. I cant leave her at a shelter... I want to find a home for her, and I'm really upset.
Arg.
Please, someone, if you know of anyone who wants a cat... let me know.
:(
I'm desperate.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Today was my dad's birthday.
I'm miserable.

I've got to mow the lawn. It would be a nice suprise for my mom. Its like a jungle out there.

I hate school but mostly I just hate the apartment.

I have to get rid of my big mean cat. Does anyone want a big mean cat? I didnt think so.

Yep.